My Family
by Bennybunny
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.
1. Default Chapter

My Family  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- I got the idea for this fic by watching one of my favourite tv shows "My Family" with the lovely Zoë Wanamaker (who plays Madam Hooch). And it suddenly struck me how great it would be to have Snape, Hermione and their family playing those parts. So just to make myself happy, here it goes.  
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
  
Chapter 1- In the morning  
  
It was another glorious morning... outside. Because indoors Severus Snape's feelings were very far from glorious. He never would have thought that in his late fifties he would be living in a muggle house, in a muggle neighbourhood waiting to go to the bathroom.  
"JANEY!" he yelled once more, "How much longer are you going to take in there?" He asked his daughter.   
  
That was another thing. Children with muggle names. No, backup just there. Children. He never thought he would have children. But here they were, Nicholas, Jane and Michael. Bringing joy to his life, a smile to his face, and an ache to his bladder… Now what in Merlin's name could that girl be doing in there? Severus cursed the day he agreed with Hermione's wish to raise their children in both the muggle and wizarding world.  
  
"'Morning Dad!" Nick said cheerfully, as always. Severus turned to look at him, not bothering to conceal the irritated look on his features.   
Nicholas Snape: Gryffindor, 17 years old, tall, brown hair, cinnamon eyes and, to his father's dismay, a total idiot. Seriously, the boy made Neville Longbottom look like Einstein. And he was always so… happy. It was unnerving.   
Not that Severus wanted his child to be unhappy, no. But all the time with a blissfully idiotic smile on his face? That was too much.  
"Good morning, Nick." He answered annoyed.  
"So, Dad, is there a queue for the bathroom?"  
"Yes, since your mother insisted in a totally muggle house and you broke the toilet in my bathroom." Severus' patience was running thin.  
"Now, Dad. It's not broken. It's just a bit cracked. In half."  
  
Severus was going to start lecturing him when Jane opened the bathroom door. Nick deftly pushed him away and entered closing it quickly.  
"NICK!" Severus shouted.  
"Good morning Dad!" Jane greeted him with a small kiss on his cheek.  
"Good morning Janey." He answered his favourite child. How could she not be his favourite? She was his only baby girl, well not baby now that she was 15. She had silky brown hair, black eyes, an incredibly cunning and ambitious personality and she was, of course, a member of Slytherin.  
  
"Dad!" she shouted horrified. "Could you please not wear that?"  
Severus was confused. "What?"  
"Those pyjamas!"  
"What? I love these pyjamas! They're my favourite ones."  
Jane appeared disgusted.  
"I can see your nipples, and it's disgusting. Why don't you wear something more appropriate for your age?"  
"What? A shroud, perhaps?" he bit back sarcastically.  
  
Just then Nick put his head between the door. Severus made the moves to go in, but Nick stopped him.  
"I would wait for a couple of minutes if I were you."  
"Why?" Severus asked, with a scared look on his face.  
"So I can go in!" Michael said, quickly changing places with Nick.  
Nick and Jane went downstairs for breakfast. While Severus kept pounding the bathroom door.   
Now Michael was a different thing all together. 12 years old, black hair, cinnamon eyes. A studious straight A student, having inherited both his parent's genius. No wonder he was in Ravenclaw. He could have been his favourite child but he didn't stand much of a change with Janey being his little girl.  
  
Nevertheless, loving his children, or not he could not allow them to treat him like that. Everyone had always respected him, feared him even. But not his children. They just treated him like any kid treats his old wrinkly father. With very few respect, if at all. But only at home. In Hogwarts he was Professor Snape, the respected Potions Master. Even they obeyed and respected him there. Now, why did they have to spend the weekends in the muggle world?   
  
Chapter 2- Breakfast  
  
While Hermione cooked breakfast Nick was serving as a test subject to Michael's divination experiments. Michael held a bunch of cards, which Nick had to guess what was on their other side.  
Michael held a card with a circle on it.  
"Wavy lines." Nick answered with confidence.  
Michael shook his head no. He then held a card with a triangle on it.  
"Wavy lines." Nick answered with confidence.  
Michael shook his head no. He then held a card with a square on it.  
"Wavy lines." Nick answered with confidence.  
Michael shook his head no. He then held a card with a straight line on it.  
"Wavy lines." Nick answered with confidence.  
Michael shook his head no. He then held a card with wavy lines on it.  
"Wavy lines." Nick answered with confidence.  
"Yes." Michael said exasperated.  
"YAY!" Nick yelled enthusiastically "Mum, I'm telepathic!"   
"Then you know what I'm thinking," Hermione answered amused.  
"Yeah," Nick said happily. "Mum wants you"-he pointed at Michael- "to set the table while I go looking for something to eat in the fridge.  
Jane rolled her eyes, when Michael complied.  
"Good Morning, dear." Severus said while kissing Hermione. He eyed her breakfast preparations with suspicion. Hermione was a brilliant woman, but a horrible, horrible cooker. Yet, she tried so hard that neither he nor the children refused to eat what she cooked.  
  
Nick returned from his fridge quest with a prized possession.   
"What do you think this is?" He asked Jane, showing her a little plate covered with a greenish gooey substance.  
"I don't know Nick, just throw that out!" she said disgusted.  
"Are you insane? If I throw it out I'll have to wash the plate." He said matter-of-factly. He then proceeded to eat the stuff.  
"That is the most revolting thing I have ever seen." Severus said sickened.  
"That's because you don't spend more time with him." Hermione said.  
  
"So, what is it, after all?" Michael inquired, curiously.  
Nick paused for a moment savouring the blob like a wine connoisseur. Finally he answered:  
"It's fish." He paused. "Or cheese. I'm not sure."  
They settled around the table.   
Severus was getting frustrated with the milk carton.   
"Bloody muggle things! You almost have to have a trigonometry A-level to transfer the liquid from the carton to the glass!"  
  
Nick took of his sock to scratch his foot, and placed the sock on the table next to his father's toast.  
Severus was beyond disgusted. He held the offending clothing item at a safe distance with the tips of his fingers.  
"Nick!" he started angrily "What is this?"  
Nick smile with a mischievous gleam on his eyes.  
"Why, I'm surprised you've forgotten, dad!"  
Severus was beginning to lose it.  
"I haven't forgotten. It's a rhetorical question!"  
"Nah," answered Nick. "It's a sock."  
Severus finally lost it.  
"Why you…"  
"Dad! Language." Nick warned him.  
"He is telepathic today." Hermione explained, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Oh, guess what?" Jane said excitedly. "I had an A in transfiguration."  
"That's great, Janey! Congratulations!" her parents said proudly.  
"So, I was thinking," she continued. "If I could have a party to celebrate it."  
"Oh, I see." Severus said. "So is it A for transfiguration, P for party and let's see… N for NO."  
"I think that's a splendid idea!" Hermione interrupted brightly.  
Severus looked irritated.  
"How about next Saturday, your father and I have to go to a conference in Oxford."  
"Hello, do I even exist in this house?" Severus inquired beyond annoyed.  
"Really?" Jane went on. "You'd let me have a party in your absence?"  
"Why not?" You're a responsible girl." Hermone replied.  
  
"Don't worry, Dad. I'll keep an eye on things." Nick said.  
"And so will I." Provided Michael.  
"Oh, all my fears just vanished like the morning dew." Severus said sarcastically.  
"But go on, have that party. All you have to do is just trample over the shredded remnants of my dignity." He said gravely.  
"YAY! PARTY!" The children said in unison.  
  
Nick went over to his father and gave him a slobbering kiss on the cheek, leaving some of the fish-cheese he was eating glued to it.  
Hermione wiped it from Severus face and kissed him on the lips, smiling at his angry expression. 


	2. My Family 2

My Family 2  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- I got a review warning me about the age discrepancies in the fic. Thank you for bringing that up, so I can explain it. First of all Rowling never did give us Snape's exact age, she only said he was "about 36" for all we know he could be in his early thirties. Or Hermione and him could have gotten together before she had finished her schooling. I make no reference to that nor do I intend to talk about their past, because I want to keep it light. Student-teacher relationships are not exactly light, funny reading. Some authors can make them sound great I don't think I have that talent.   
But all these are just excuses for me not wanting to have a 61 year old Severus in my fic, so lets just say he's 59. Hermione is in her thirties.  
Thanks for the wonderful reviews. And if you have any doubts just say so, so I can either explain it or amend my mistakes.   
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
Chapter 3 - Lunch  
  
Hermione was in the kitchen preparing lunch. She really did enjoy cooking, and it worried her that neither Severus nor the children ever ate much at home. The moment they got to Hogwarts they were like threshing-machines at meal time. But at home…  
Busy with these considerations she didn't notice Severus standing behind her until his arms encircled her waist.  
  
"Hmmm. Smells good." He said "Are you sure I got the right house?"  
"I thought you were grading potion's essays." She said, smiling without releasing the egg whisk.   
"I was. But I thought I'd take a pause and spout trashy romance novel-like dialogue to my beautiful wife. 'Whose body trembled with passion by coming in contact with her husbands strong arms'." He playfully teased. Hermione laughed and decided to join in the game.  
"Yes," she said trying to appear serious "I crave your strong, sinewy body."  
"Well...you're only human." He said picking her up and placing her on the kitchen counter.  
  
In that moment someone cleared their throat. Startled, Severus and Hermione pushed away from each other, noticing Nick and Michael standing by the kitchen counter looking disgusted.   
"I'm afraid to ask what's for lunch." Nick said.  
Michael looked dismayed at his parents. "You would never see this sort of behaviour in an all-ravenclaw home."  
  
"Now, Michael," Severus said, "if you keep up this all-ravenclaw nonsense you'll stop being my favourite son."   
Nick looked delighted and placed his hand over Severus' hand in the counter.  
Severus looked grim. Michael looked smug.  
"Is this what I've been reduced to?" he asked resigned.  
"We all know you like Janey best, anyway." Michael said with no trace of jealousy in his voice. Severus returned to grading essays.  
  
"Boys, don't leave!" Hermione pleaded. "I've just finished my sweet and sour sauce. Who wants to try it?"  
Nick and Michael swiftly turned their backs to the spoon and played a quick rock, scissors and paper game. Michael got rock. Nick got scissors. They turned back to Hermione who held the spoon expectantly. Nick bent over and tasted the very end of the spoon.  
"So?" Hermione asked hopeful.  
Nick seemed to be having a bit of trouble with his speech abilities. After a long pause he rasped:  
"You got the sour part right."  
  
After a hour or so they were all seated at the kitchen table. Hermione liked to keep it informal.  
Janey went on and on about the zillion people she was going to invite to her party. Hermione ate happily and Severus ate resignedly. Michael was discreetly shovelling his food onto Nick's plate and Nick was busy drawing child-like pictures on a sheet of paper.   
"What are you doing Nick? Your food is getting cold." Hermione reprimanded him.  
"I'm practising, Mum. I'm going to become an impressionist." He said.  
Severus gave a humourless laugh. "The only impression you can make is of a painter with no talent." Nick flashed him a brilliant smile in response.  
  
"You'll never be Head-Boy like that, Nick." Michael said. "If you really have to be doing something other than eating at lunch time you could at least be studying. Both Mum and Dad were Head-Boy and Head-Girl. We should keep the tradition."  
"Yeah!" Nick said cheerfully "I always admired that. Mum and Dad, Head-Boy and Head-Girl. I don't know how you could do it. I personally couldn't."  
"Why's that?" Jane asked him.  
Nick was happy to explain. "I mean, all that kneeling down! It must be really tiring; and doesn't your mouth hurts by the end of the day?"  
"NICHOLAS!" Severus and Hermione shouted at the same time, completely appalled.  
Nick made an innocent cheery face.   
  
  
Chapter 4 - Bedtime Revelations  
  
While Hermione was grading her student's Muggle Studies essays, Severus was grudgingly separating the clothes to wash, all the while muttering under his breath that never in know history had a Snape done household chores that could easily be done by the house elves. He could hardly await for morning to arrive so they could all return to Hogwarts. Suddenly he found a big wad of muggle money in one of Nick's trousers.  
"Oh, Merlin!" he said astounded. "Hermione, look at this."  
"Severus, I'm grading… Oh, my God!" she said noticing the money.  
  
In that moment Jane enters the kitchen and, with a single glance at her father's hands, she says:  
"One thousand, five hundred and fifty five pounds!" she reaches for it greedily.  
"Take your hands off of this money, Miss Snape! It's your brother's, and knowing him, he probably got it doing something not only stupid but also illegal." Her father warned.  
"Then we better get rid of it fast!" Jane said, still trying to reach the money.  
"Funny," Severus replied "that's what we said the day you were born."  
Janey put her tongue out to him and turned to leave. Hermione saw Severus trying to hide a smile.  
That girl had him wrapped around her little finger.  
  
Nick is sitting down on the living room's sofa explaining to his parents how he got the money.  
"I saved it." He said.  
"You what?!" Hermione asked astounded.  
"I saved it. Since I was little grandpa always sent muggle money, I never have to spend it because I just ask Dad to pay for everything; so I saved it." He calmly explained.  
"Well, that seems all right, give him the money Hermione." Severus added, wishing for this to end so he could go to sleep.  
"What do you intend to do with the money?" Hermione asked suspicious.  
  
"Who cares?" Severus interrupted "It's bound to be something stupid."  
"Severus, Nick is a… responsible young man. I'm sure he is eager to share his plans with his loving parents." Hermione coached.  
"No he isn't…" Severus started but stopped at Hermione's withering look.  
"I'm going to buy a racing broom. I'm going to use it to form a Broom Stunt Display Team."  
"And here I was thinking he'd do something stupid." Severus said mockingly.  
  
"But… you... you don't know the first thing about stunt displays!" Hermione said getting upset.  
"Well, I'll have to improvise." Nick explained happily "I have a gig the day after Janey's party. In Diagon Alley, next to the butterbeer tent."  
"And who else is on the team?" Hermione inquired concerned.  
"Oh, just me. And Spike." Nick clarified.  
"Not blind Spike!" Hermione shouted.  
Nick appeared briefly annoyed "I keep telling you Mum, he's not blind, he's partially sighted."  
Severus was curious. "How will Spike ride a broom being… partially sighted?"  
  
Nick cheered up again. "Oh, I'm doing all the riding! Spike will set fire to the bails of hay, put paraffin in the milk bottles, you know, the technical stuff." He elucidated brightly.  
"Nick," Hermione said in a conciliatory tone "You can't have a stunt display team with only you and bl… partially sighted Spike!"  
"There's also Radar, Spike's alsatian. He pulls dummies out of burning buildings." Nick told them enthusiastically.  
"And we who thought the stork had brought you." Severus concluded sarcastically.  
  
  
Next Update: How will things be at school? Will we finally see the party? Will Nick's stunt display team be a smashing hit? 


	3. My Family 3

My Family 3  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- Oooooooh! My very first flamer! I was starting to find all the praise sort of suspicious. ;)  
I was raised to firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, so I certainly won't discourage anyone from criticizing my work. But please, try not to be crass.   
Oh well, my grandmother always says: "Not even God can please everyone."  
Thanks for all the reviews. And I will most definitely go on with this story.  
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
Chapter 5 - Hogwarts  
  
All the 7th year Gryffindors and Slytherins were already seated in their potion's class, Severus noted. No, not all. Where could the boy be now?   
Suddenly the dungeon door opens and in comes Nick, walking very, very slowly.   
"Mr. Snape!" Severus thundered. "Kindly hurry up finding your seat! And ten points from Gryffindor, for tardiness."  
Nick continued walking with agonizingly slowness to his seat. Severus was beginning to lose his patience.  
  
"Mr. Snape! What are you doing?" He demanded.  
"I'm walking in slow motion," Nick replied. "that way I'll live longer."  
Gryffindors and Slytherins alike burst into laughter. Nick was well liked in both houses. He was well liked by just about everyone. But right now Severus wasn't finding his son very much to his liking.  
"Twenty points from Gryffindor! And if you don't stop this charade right now, Mr. Snape, I can make them fifty!"  
Nick fast-forwarded to his place, next to Janey's boyfriend, Brian Wesley Malfoy, Ginny and Draco's son.  
  
A few hours later all students were gathering for lunch in the Great Hall. Nick, instead of going to his usual seat at the Gryffindor table made his way to the Ravenclaw's, where Michael was preparing for his debate against Slytherin.  
Melinda Branson, a very pretty 7th year Ravenclaw, with brown hair and green eyes was aiding him.  
"Hey Melinda!" Nick greeted cheerfully. "Helping my little brother, are you?"  
"Oh! Hello, Nick! Yes, I am. Your brother is going to have a brilliant future in politics." She went on with the questions:  
  
"So, Mr Snape, what's your position on drugs?" She asked.  
Michael answered with confidence. "If elected, I'm going to direct every resource into alerting fellow students about the dangers of drug use."  
"Very good!" Melinda exclaimed enthusiastically.  
"Yes!" Nick said sarcastically "If you want to get slaughtered. Remember, it's all about spin. Ask me the same question."  
  
Michael was annoyed "I think we all know your position on drugs, Nick." But Melinda complied with a smile.  
"So, Mr. Snape," she asked Nick "what's your position on drug use?"  
Nick took a deep breath and assumed an aristocratic pose "Let me just say that I will not comment on the vicious rumours of my opponent's frequent use of recreational drugs."  
"But there are no vicious rumours." Michael said, appalled  
"There are now." Nick replied triumphantly.   
  
Melinda appeared impressed. And in a few minutes Michael was left out and Nick and Melinda started talking, obviously smitten.  
"I don't know why I'm so attracted to you." She said at the end of their talk, their hands already entwined  
"There must be a million reasons." Nick said cheerfully.  
In the meanwhile, at the staff table:  
  
"Severus," Hermione said "Do you notice anything strange with Nick?"  
"He's an imbecile." Severus replied matter-of-factly, without even pausing from eating his food.  
"No," Hermione said annoyed "not that! He seems... different."  
"You mean strange. It's not normal to be as happy as he is." Severus then noticed Hermione's concerned look and set his sarcasm aside. "I wouldn't worry about the boy, Hermione. If he has a problem he will come to us, as he always does, to fix it. With Snapes, what you see is what you get."  
"Oooooh, tough luck there, Mum!" They looked up to see Nick standing in front of them, already starting to eat from Severus plate, grabbing chunks of eggs with his fingers.  
  
Severus was disgusted. "Why don't we just build you a trough?" He asked.  
"Ah, ah! You can't hit me with your sarcasm today, Dad. For I am bearing the protection of the shield of love!" Nick replied striking a heroic stance. Hermione seemed very pleased and started getting everyone's attention at the staff table.  
"So, who's the lucky girl?" She eagerly asked.  
"Lucky, indeed." Severus scoffed.  
"Shield of love!" Nick reminded him.  
"Someone bring me my mallet of silence." Severus replied.  
  
"Melinda Branson." Nick revealed. Everyone at the table was happily surprised.  
"Well, she's better than the last one." Severus said.  
"Why is that?" Madam Hooch asked.  
"She had nipple earrings!" Severus said aghast.  
"How would you know?" Mcgonagall inquired. Hermione appeared interested, as Nick.  
Severus seemed at a loss of words for a few seconds. "They... they jingled, when she walked."  
  
"Indeed?" Hermione said amused with his obvious discomfort.  
Nick broke the uncomfortable pause.  
"This is serious..." he began, only to be interrupted by Sirius Black.  
"Don't get me into that discussion!" He said, from the other end of the staff table, since he was, after all the DADA professor.  
Nick went on: "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love me."   
Everyone at the staff table "aaaahhed" at his cuteness.  
  
  
Next chapter: How will Nick's love life make Severus miserable? See the preparations for the party, when Nick and Severus go shopping for supplies in the muggle world. 


	4. My Family 4

My Family 4  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- Once again thanks for all the reviews.   
I know there are a few episodes you'd like me to mention, but bear in mind that in my country we only got to the 2nd season and the 3rd is only starting now. Just so you know.  
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
After Nick left with Severus' plate, Jane approached the staff table.  
"Have I no peace?" Severus sighed.  
"No!" Jane started quite angrily. "All the two of you seem to care about is Michael's debate and the Idiot's love life. My party is just next weekend and we still haven't got any of the supplies!"  
"Janey," Hermione said in a conciliatory tone. "There's still quite a lot of time to get the things for your party, there's no need for you to be so high strung."  
"Oh, go ahead, just dismiss me with a few words. Why don't I make everyone a favour and just fade away?" She concluded.  
"Hopefully mouth first!" Severus called after her retreating back.  
  
As Severus and Hermione made their way to their rooms Hermione discussed her concerns about their children.  
"I'm worried about little Janey, Severus." She said when they reached their bedroom door.  
"Little Janey?!" Severus questioned incredulously. "Are we in a Dickens novel now? Allow me to remind you, Hermione, that it was "Little Janey" who just last week punched a hole through a door because one of her brothers had used her favourite shirt to strain his home-brew."  
  
With the lights already out, they got under the bed covers. Severus snuggled closer to Hermione. Then, in the silence of the bedroom:  
"Dad, that's not Mum you're holding."  
Hermione and Severus screamed and jumped out of the bed, flinging the covers to the ground. In their bed lay Nick, looking very sad.  
  
"What the hell are you doing in here?" Severus asked when he got his voice back.  
"Melinda." Nick answered his lip trembling.  
"What about her?" Hermione inquired gently, while getting back to bed.  
"She…" Nick sobbed. "…she broke up with me. She says I'm too immature."  
Hermione was sympathetic "You? Immature? That's ridiculous!"  
Nick climbed to her lap, nearly crushing her, and placed his head on her shoulder.  
"Mummy!" He sobbed, hugging her.  
"There, there." Hermione comforted him.  
  
"Oh, for Merlin's sake! Nicholas stand up and take it like a man!" Severus told him.  
"Severus!" Hermione reprimanded him. "This was a rude blow to Nicky!"  
"Yeah!" Nick hiccupped "I really cared about… what's-her-name."  
"Now, Nicky," Hermione said stroking his face. "All you need is a good night's sleep."  
"In your own bed!" Severus added.   
Nick made his way to Gryffindor tower.  
  
"I can't believe this," Severus started an all too familiar discussion. "he acts like he's five years old and you encourage him. No wonder he's an idiot."  
"I am not going to start this argument again, Severus!" Hermione said. "Anyone who listens to you would think you don't love Nicky."  
"Of course I do! He's my son!" Severus said inching closer to her.   
  
"To prove your affection you are going to take Nicky with you to the muggle world, when you go shopping tomorrow for Janey's party supplies." Hermione informed him determinedly.  
"I will what?!" Severus thundered. Hermione pushed him away from her.   
"Nicky needs your support right now. A boy needs his father to guide him through this moments." She said.  
"I already taught him to pee standing up! Isn't that enough?" Severus asked.   
  
"No!" She said forcefully while turning her back on him. "Not tonight. I can't think of anything else when one of our children is in pain."  
Severus sighed, defeated.  
"Oh, and Severus?" She added. "Tomorrow when you're out with Nicky, do a happy face."  
"Hermione!" He replied upset. "Remember who you're talking to. This is my happy face."  
  
  
Chapter 7 - Shopping  
  
"Mr. Snape." Severus called Nick, who was getting out of potions class with his friends. "A word, please."  
Nick made his way to his father's desk.   
"What's up, Dad?" He asked, all sadness gone.  
"I had a little chat with your mother." Severus begun.  
"Oh, I get it." Nick interrupted. "You're not getting any."  
Severus ignored him.   
  
"Would you like to come with me this afternoon to the muggle world to get supplies to your sister's party?" He had barely finished his question and Nick was already nodding his head with great force.  
"Oh, Dad! It will be just like when I was little and you took me to Diagon Alley every week. Do you remember the last time we went out alone?" Nick asked brightly.  
"Yes." Severus answered, remembering. "You were six and you threw up on me and on Lucius Malfoy, whom had stopped to greet us."  
"Good times!" Nick smiled nostalgically.  
  
That afternoon Nick and Severus made their way through a muggle crowd of shoppers to pay for the supplies.  
"I'm sorry sir," the clerk said. "but this item isn't marked. You're going to have to wait."  
Severus started losing his patience. "You have got to be joking!" He said. "I am not going to waste my time due to someone's incompetence!" He ended up shouting.  
"Sir," the clerk told Nick. "Could you calm down your... companion?"  
  
"He is not my companion! He's my son!" Severus yelled.  
Nick looked wounded. "Are you ashamed of our love?"  
Severus looked at him, his expression blank. He tossed the money to the clerk's counter and bolted out of the door leaving the unmarked item and Nick behind.   
The clerk shook his head. "You could do better." He told Nick.  
"Don't I know?" Nick answered coquettishly.  
  
Severus was waiting for Nick with the groceries in front of a church, with a murderous look on his face.  
Nick reached him at the same time the church's priest did.  
"Is everything alright, my son?" The priest asked him.  
"Forgive him," Nick informed him. "he's in mourning."  
"Oh!" The priest looked sympathetic. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. - Mathew, 5:6." He said.  
Nick shook the priest's hand: "Nick, 6' 1''." The priest looked confused.  
Severus sighed dejectedly.  
  
  
Next Update: How will Michael's debate go? Will Nick find love again? When are we going to see the party? 


	5. My Family 5

My Family 5  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- A lot of people seem to find Nick stupid. I really don't think he is.   
Think about it: he's the happiest of them all, he can do whatever he feels like doing and he can say whatever he wants to say, because no one is going to think too much of it due to his reputation, also, from time to time, he shows glimpses of cleverness, like in the debate discussion. Really, I think he may have gotten the secret to a happy life all figured out. OR he really is stupid.  
Thanks for all the great reviews! Oh, and Clavel, you got your wish.  
  
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
  
Chapter 8  
  
It was Friday night and Severus was making his way towards his rooms, where Hermione and his children were already waiting for him so they could floo to their muggle house.   
Having had to stay in the dungeons to repair the damages an idiotic hufflepuff had caused by blowing his cauldron up in a spectacular explosion, Severus was not in the greatest of moods.   
  
Suddenly he heard some sounds from the shadows. "Bloody horny teenagers!" he muttered. He was about to start deducting house points when he noticed the horny teenagers were his eldest son and his girlfriend. Taking in consideration the fact that his wife would be very displeased if he were to interrupt the newly reconciled couple, he chose to just walk by, simply saying:  
  
"Glad, things worked out with the two of you, Melinda. Nick, don't take too long. We have to depart soon." And quickly made his way to his rooms.  
The enamoured couple stopped snogging revealing that the girl was, in fact, Clavel, a pretty 6th year Hufflepuff.  
"Who's Melinda?" She asked Nick, suspicious.  
Nick appeared a bit nervous but soon smiled with renewed confidence.  
"It's my middle name." He answered. And they continued their snogging session.  
  
The next morning, in their muggle house Severus and Hermione were on their way to the kitchen to have breakfast.  
"I'm going to have to go out after breakfast. A few last minute shopping to do." Hermione informed him.  
"Glad you're the one in charge of the shopping this time." Severus said.  
"Yes. I'd figured I would attract less attention, seeing as I, at least, don't go to the market wearing robes." She teased.  
"If you think I'm unaware of the latest muggle fashion, my dear, you are very much mistaken." He smiled. "Allow me to demonstrate." With a flick of his wand Hermione was instantly dressed as a Beatle, like a nightmare out of the 60's.  
  
They both laughed at seeing her attire and lovingly kissed each other. In that moment Nick passed by them, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  
"'Morning, Mum. 'Morning, Dad." He said glancing their way. They didn't stop kissing. Nick appeared a tad confused.  
He entered the kitchen where Michael was already seated, eating a bowl of cereal.  
  
"Morning, Nick." Michael said while Nick went to the fridge. Nick returned to the table with a little bowl.  
"How long has this jelly been in the fridge?" He asked Michael.  
"Nick," Michael said gulping down his cereal. "I think that's soup."  
"Oh." Nick said, starting to spoon the wobbling soup into his mouth.  
  
"I'm having the weirdest dream. I just saw Dad kissing a Beatle." Nick said quite seriously.  
Michael appeared annoyed "Can't you just say good morning like a normal person?" He asked.  
"I think it was Ringo." Nick continued.  
"Apparently not." Michael sighed.  
"I'm just going to go back to bed and wake up." Nick said getting up from the table.  
  
"Earth to idiot!" Michael said with his mouth full of cereal. "You're not dreaming."   
"Oh, yeah?" Nick asked testily. "If I was awake would I be able to do this?" He said stabbing a fork into his arm.  
Michael stared in shock at the fork jammed in his brother's arm. Nick blinked twice.  
"I'm awake aren't I?" He asked.  
Michael nodded, while Nick attempted to pull the fork out of his arm with his teeth.  
  
Hermione and Severus entered the kitchen in that moment. Severus wordlessly pulled the fork out of Nick's arm and performed a quick healing spell. He then grabbed a mug of coffee and got out of there claiming he had already seen enough for the morning.   
"So, Michael, how did the debate go?" Hermione asked sitting down with a mug of coffee herself.  
Michael seemed upset. "It went well," he answered. "right up to the point were my adversary asked me if it was true I had a death eater in the family."  
  
Hermione was saddened. "It's such a shame that politics has degenerated into a contest of personal attacks." she said.  
"Isn't it so?" Nick agreed. "I hope you did the right thing and questioned your opponent's sexuality." He told Michael.  
"No!" Michael said angrily "I challenged the person who started such vicious rumour to stand up and show themselves."  
"Well done!" Hermione told him.  
  
Michael appeared glum. "It was Janey."  
"What did you say?" Nick asked.  
"What could I say? I gave a honest and heartfelt answer."  
Hermione got up and put her arms around her youngest son's shoulders "Oh, Michael! I'm so proud of you!"  
Michael cheered up a bit. "I said I was adopted."  
Hermione quickly let go of him with an angered expression.  
  
Later, in the living room, Jane and Michael were sitting in front of the TV. Nick balanced himself on the sofa's arm and spectacularly dived into the seats.  
"Fantastic! 8.5! Definitely!" Michael said.  
"It seemed more like a 3.5 to me." Jane countered.  
"What?!" Nick was appalled. "It was flawless."  
"Yeah, but you get a 5 point deduction: Mum saw you."  
  
Michael and Nick turned around to face a very angry Hermione.  
"Warming up to the ass-kicking finals? 'Cause that's what you're going to get if you do that again."  
"Now, Mum," Michael started. "If you want to give it a try, just ask."  
"And if you want to see puberty," she replied. "just stop."  
  
"Look at this." She said, staring disgusted at her surroundings. "This place is a mess."  
"No it's not," Janey interrupted. "it looks lived in."  
"By a heard of goats." Hermione said sarcastically.  
"Mum," Nick cut in. "that was just the one weekend." Hermione appeared alarmed.  
  
"The three of you are going to clean this mess up for tonight's party." Hermione informed them.  
"Loved to help mum," Nick said. "but I got this fake limp."  
"Fake limp?" Hermione asked amused.  
"I'm sorry." Nick gave in. "I'm a really bad liar, so why waste our time?"  
"Nick, you'll be in charge of your siblings while your father and I are in Oxford."   
"Do I have to remind you of my fake disability?" He insisted.  
  
"Nicholas!" Hermione shouted with no trace of amusement.  
Severus entered the living room. "Oh," He said. "and don't take Michael to a pub."  
"I know better than to try something like that." Nick replied offended.  
"What?" Severus was amused. "Last time you tried to pass him off as a midget!"   
"That's why I know it won't work." Nick concluded.  
  
  
Next Update: Finally, the long awaited party. 


	6. My Family 6

My Family 5  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews! I started writing another story, a prequel of sorts to My Family. It's called Little Nicky and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1021637  
It's about how Hermione and Severus' life was when Nick was 3 years old and Jane was 1. So go check it out!  
  
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
  
Chapter 9  
  
Severus and Hermione were making their way towards Hogwarts' gates so they could apparate to the conference in Oxford.  
"Really, Severus, there's nothing to worry about!" Hermione soothed him. "Our daughter is perfectly responsible. All the wizards and witches are warned against performing any magic, not that they could, being out of school, but they certainly won't do it in front of Janey's muggle friends!"  
  
"Hermione, I am perfectly aware that our daughter is responsible, it's our sons that I don't trust." Severus replied.  
"Sons? Michael is responsible." Hermione reminded him.  
"Alright, then, son. Nick can't be trusted to take care of his younger siblings! The boy is 17 years old and still he hasn't managed to avoid becoming absorbed in a game of peek-a-boo!" Severus grunted.  
  
"Severus," Hermione smiled. "I know you, and that's not what is bothering you. So either you say it now or you'll hear me nagging you about it all night long."  
"How would that differ from usual?" He muttered.  
"What was that?" Hermione asked suspicious.  
  
"I said," Severus covered up. "that I don't understand how you can be so happy when our little girl is with a group of her air-headed friends in a house full of spotted horny teenagers!" He revealed angrily.  
"I'm not happy Severus, I just pretend that I'm content with things. You should try lying to yourself. It makes life easier." she replied matter-of-factly.  
  
"So," Severus began. "when you said that it was a good idea to let her have the party you were lying to yourself?"  
"No!" Hermione winked at him. "I was lying to you."  
"I knew I should have kept that manual, when I married you." he said haughtily. He started patting himself.  
"Fleas?" Hermione asked amused.  
  
"My wand. I was so unnerved I forgot it in the dungeons. Wait here, dear, I'll be right back." He told her already moving towards the castle.  
Severus opened the door to the potion's classroom and there, upon his desk laid his wand. He grabbed it and pocketed it. He was passing through the Great Hall when he couldn't avoid over-hearing the talk between a group of boys.  
  
"So it's in the muggle world?" a skinny Gryffindor asked his schoolmates.  
"Yeah!" the tallest of the group, whom Severus noticed was a 5th year Ravenclaw answered. "I hear it's going to be a massive party!"  
Other boy chimed in. "It's at that hot Slytherin girl's house, you know the one; the one with those smooth, smooth curves." Severus was seething.  
"Oh, Janey!" All the boys said. "She's fit!" One of them added.  
  
"And what's strangest is that I always thought her parents were, you know, smart and stuff!" a Hufflepuff said loudly.  
"Well," the tall Ravenclaw said. "they can't be that smart, they're going to leave their house at the mercy of people like us. Every drunken guy in the country is going to end up in that house. Mark my words. Her parents must be real idiots."  
"It's going to be wicked. Fit birds as far as the eye can see!" Other boy concluded.  
  
  
"I can not believe we are going to miss the conference, because you can not accept your daughter is growing up!" Hermione told Severus. They were both standing across the street from their muggle house. "For all you know," she continued. "they could be talking about someone completely different. There are a million party's going on during a Saturday night. How do you know it's her's?" She enquired.  
  
"Because he said the girl's parents were idiots." Severus answered crossly. "Come on, Hermione, you know you want to." He whispered silkily into her ear, in a way he knew she couldn't resist. "This might be your only chance to know what your children do when you're not there."   
Hermione looked uncertain. "Fine! You win! I cannot believe this! You're Slytherin influences are ruining me!" She yelled while making her way towards their door.  
  
They both leaned their head against the door so they could hear what was going on inside. "There's nothing going on in there Severus. They are perfectly quiet. You can't even hear music." She told him.  
"If they are not dancing what are they doing?" Severus panicked.  
"Conducting a satanic ritual?" Hermione teased.  
"I hadn't thought of that one!" Severus said opening the door.  
  
"There's no one in here! No Nick, no Janey, no Michael!" Hermione noted astonished.   
"In normal conditions this would be my idea of paradise." Severus remarked.  
"Where can they be?" Hermione asked, looking around. A look of realisation crossed Severus' face.  
"In the bedrooms!" He said starting to run up the stairs. In that moment Janey opened the door and everyone started coming in after her. Hermione and Severus ran to hide in their bedroom.  
  
"Just put your things were there's room!" Jane told everyone while turning the stereo on, filling the house with bass notes powerful enough to explode any howls that had the misfortune to be flying near.  
Everyone entered laughing and talking loudly with their mates.   
Nick was the last one in. He looked around the house appreciatively.  
"Nice gaff!" He approved.  
  
  
Next update: Will Severus and Hermione be discovered? Will Nick realise the house is his? I really don't know, I haven't thought much about it yet. 


	7. My Family 7

My Family 7  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.-Hey! Thanks for the reviews! I already said it in Little Nicky, but I'll say it here too: If you have suggestions to my stories add them to your reviews, if they are not very much against my idea for the story, I might use some of them. Enjoy the story!  
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
  
Chapter 10  
  
"I can not believe this!" Severus hissed, "hiding in our own bedroom! How ridiculous can we get?"  
Hermione looked at him from her position, perched on their bed. "You can't be considering making our presence known." She stated calmly.  
  
"Why not?" Severus enquired, "this is, after all, our house and they are our children, we-" Hermione interrupted him,   
"Janey would never trust us again." And with that she won. Jane was Severus' weakness.  
  
He sighed dejectedly, running his hand through his hair. "Besides," Hermione went on, "it's not that bad."  
"Really?" he drawled sarcastically.   
"Hmhm. Think about it: the two of us hiding in our bedroom," she pulled him on top of her, "isn't it exciting? Anyone can walk in at any moment!" she giggled.  
  
"Well," Severus gave her a lustful smirk; "if you put it that way..." he kissed the side of her neck. Hermione laughed, "I feel like a moody teenager!"  
Severus paused his ministrations to reply, "Really? Because I can pop downstairs and get you one." She was about to laugh when someone suddenly opened their bedroom door. Severus and Hermione quickly hid under the covers.  
  
Jane was talking to her crowd of friends. "Alright, you can all put you jackets on the bed." She said and immediately Severus and Hermione were weighed down by what felt like a ton of bricks, but was, in fact, every partygoer's jackets.  
Everyone finally left.  
  
"I can't believe you made us come back." Hermione finally said, sticking her head from under the covers. "And for nothing! She's being perfectly responsible!" Severus was about to reply when someone opened the door anew.  
  
"Come on Kevin!" A young girl said pulling a drunken boy towards the bed.   
"No, my name is Dave!" He tried to tell. "Whatever!" She replied starting to lie down on the bed. Severus and Hermione stuck their heads out from under the covers and looked at each other in shear horror.  
  
"OY!" Janey yelled getting in the bedroom. Severus and Hermione hid again. "JUST WHAT," Jane went on, "DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"  
  
"What does it look like?" The girl asked her.  
"Very funny! Now get out!" Jane was furious. "Not in my parent's bed!" The girl and Kevin/Dave started getting up.  
Jane went on, "You'd probably break it, anyway! No one's had sex in it for years!"  
  
Hermione stuck her head out from under the covers and was about to give Jane an offended reply when Severus pushed her head back in.  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs, Michael made his way towards a girl.  
"So," he started suavely, "are you looking for company?" The girl looked at him.  
"Are you Michael?" she asked him. Michael was surprised, "Yes, how do you know?"  
"Janey told me you still wet the bed, is it true?"  
Michael turned around furiously, "JANEY!" he yelled starting to look around the party.  
  
Nick was, also, trying his luck, Clavel hadn't been able to come to the party and Nick wasn't one to stay idle.  
So he was talking to one of Jane's prettier muggle friends.  
"So," he said, "what do you do?"  
"I go to school." She answered.  
  
"Oh, I used to that too." Nick said longingly.  
"So what do you do now?" the girl asked him.  
"I'm an astronaut," he revealed.  
  
The girl laughed. "There are no astronauts in England!" Nick's smile didn't falter, "Yes there are! We have that... European... space...thing."  
"Oh!" She pretended to believe, "And how many times have you been in space?"  
"I can't say," Nick said striking a heroic pose, "it's top secret."  
  
"It's a pity," she said, "because it would really turn me on."  
"Seven." Nick immediately said. The girl started laughing. Hard.  
"You're really not falling for any of this, are you?" he asked her. She shook her head no.  
"Oh, well!" Nick conceded defeat and cheerily went in search of another girl.  
  
Next update: We all know it's only going to get worse for Severus and Hermione. Will Nick or Michael be able to get a girl? Will Jane find out her parents are in the house? Is anyone going to get Kevin/Dave's name right? Let's see. 


	8. My Family 8

My Family 8  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC, Pride and Prejudice belongs to Jane Austen, I don't know who the English Patient belongs to, but rest assured it doesn't belong to me.  
  
A.N.- I felt bad placing such a short chapter and as I'm definitely feeling insane today, I figured, hey! why not update?  
Reviews, as always, are appreciated.   
  
Summary: Take a peek at the horrifyingly mundane life of Severus and Hermione Snape and their children.  
  
  
PG-13  
  
  
  
Chapter 11  
  
Hermione and Severus were in their bed, but the 'playful' mood had gone away completely.  
"Look at this!" Severus said with his mouth full, while rummaging through the partygoers things, "Who would have thought a kid would bring food to a party?"   
  
"You can expect everything from kids today." Hermione answered. "Oh, no!" she said horrified.  
"What?" Severus asked.  
"I said 'kids today'. When you star using expressions like that you know you're getting old!" She explained worriedly.  
  
"You are," Severus started, but immediately regretted the words out of his mouth when he looked at her furious expression. "mistaken!" He tried to amend, "into mistakenly thinking you are old!" He finished, panicking. Fortunately Hermione seemed to think his discomfort was amusing.  
  
He went back to pillaging Janey's friend's things. "I wonder if I can find some desert. Oh here it is!" He exclaimed grabbing a foiled package, he strained to read it's fine print, "Strawberry flavoured..."  
He was interrupted by Hermione's laughs. "Well," she said, "at least it reveals good sense, you know, bringing it."  
  
"No, it doesn't," Severus replied, "if he had any good sense he would have taken it with him."   
"I'm bored!" Hermione suddenly exclaimed, seeing Severus standing up. "It couldn't possibly get any worse than this!"  
"Oh, yes it can!" Severus told her jumping around in cute little hops.  
"How?" she asked.  
"I have to pee!" He explained.  
  
*  
A.N.- THIS BIT WILL FLY BY SO FAST YOU WON'T EVEN NOTICE IT!  
  
The maid clumsily tripped and the champagne bottle flew from the silver tray. To everyone's astonishment the bottle did not brake. It landed on the soft expensive carpet, spinning uncontrollably.   
  
Elizabeth Darcy looked around at her guest's mesmerized faces. Everyone was still staring at the bottle, which kept spinning and spinning. Finally it came to a stop pointing at her husband. Darcy immediately flew off his chair and placed himself in the middle of the room, while clearing his throat.  
  
"Everything alright there, Darcy?" Mr. Bingley inquired.  
  
Darcy, to everyone's horror begun doing a little jig and started singing:  
"We have an old fashioned tomato  
A Long Island potato  
But yes, we have no bananas.  
We have no bananas today! Hey!"  
  
Elizabeth stared incredulously at her husband.  
Darcy looked at her, still trying to catch his breath, "Don't look at me like that, Mrs. Darcy. I know all about you and Almasy."  
  
Elizabeth had now confirmation, her husband had finally cracked.   
  
A.N.- WHAT WAS THAT? DON'T WORRY YOUR LITTLE HEADS OVER IT. YOU JUST IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING.  
*  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs.  
  
Brian Weasley Malfoy was talking to his Slytherin friends trying to avoid having to talk to his Gryffindor cousins. He loved his mother with all his heart, but why did she have to have given him so many Gryffindor cousins?  
He spotted his good friend and, he hoped, future brother-in-law Nick trying to pick up a girl, and failing.   
  
"What are you laughing about?" Jane asked him.  
"Your brother. You have to love the lad." he answered, obviously amused at Nicks antics.  
Jane removed his arm from her waist. "I have to talk to him because he's my brother, now, why you have to be his best friend is beyond me! Now go around the party and help me with my guests." She said pushing him forward.  
  
"And, Brian?" he turned around to face her.   
"Yes, Janey?"  
"Don't be impolite to the muggles!"  
He sighed making his way to Kevin/Dave.   
  
"Alright, there, mate?" he asked him patting him on the shoulder.  
"I guess." Kevin/Dave answered uncertain. "People here are a bit... weird."  
Brian chuckled. "No worry, what you need is to meet a pretty girl! Oh, there we go! Oy!" he called out to his Gryffindor cousin Rita, Fred and Angelina's daughter. "Rita! I'd like you to meet someone." he told her when she neared them.  
  
"Kevin, this is Rita Weasley, my annoying little cousin. Rita, this is Kevin, a pointless muggle." Rita took Kevin/Dave's arm and looked furiously at Brian, especially when Kevin/Dave started saying that his name was, in fact, Dave and if someone could tell him, please, what was a muggle.  
  
Brian made his way to his girlfriend.  
"I hope you haven't been terrorising the muggles," she warned him knowingly.  
"Nonsense!" he replied, "I just used my Malfoy sensibility to know how to deal with them."  
"Ooooh, then it can't have been good!" Nick interrupted the lovebirds' conversation.  
  
"Maybe I can find you someone too!" Brian told his friend.  
"Nah, Clavel is my one and only." Nick said dreamily. A pretty girl passed by the trio and Nick jumped forth.  
"Hey!" he called after the girl, "did you know that I'm an astronaut?"  
Jane rolled her eyes and Brian laughed.  
  
Next update: Now we all know Severus is potty trained, but let me remind you Nick broke his toilet. So how is he going to... relieve himself? Stay logged-on for the next one! 


	9. My Family 9

My Family 9  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- I really should be studying but... yeah, right. My Family's 3rd season is finally starting today in my country! YAY!  
Oh, and Wil the Deranged Rickmaniac, how could you talk about Alan Rickman's and Robert Lindsay's heights without actually saying how tall they were? I've been searching for that stuff forever! Please, I beg you, you HAVE to tell me!  
  
  
Chapter 12  
  
Severus was frantically opening and closing their drawers like a maniac.   
"Severus!" Hermione said, "I certainly hope you are not thinking of peeing into one of our drawers."  
"I'm just..." Severus sighed with frustration, "looking for a recipient." He moved towards their bathroom.   
  
"Don't even think of using the toilet. I believe I don't need to remind you that Nick broke it." Hermione warned.  
"Well, maybe if I used the sink, I could..." he begun.  
"You are not going to pee into our sink!" she told him, "We are not in one of Draco and Ginny Malfoy's parties, you know? Hold it in. It'll probably be over in only 4 hours!" She explained him.  
Severus was now doing the famous peepee dance, hopping around the bedroom.  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs...  
  
" Wet my bed!!" Michael muttered angrily under his breath, " When I get my hands on Janey, I'll..."  
"Ah, Pissboy!" Michael turned around to stare at the face of his Slytherin nemesis: Alexandra Malfoy, Brian's sister. She was an exact copy of Narcissa Malfoy, blond and pale, impossibly beautiful. Unfortunately she had inherited her grandfather Lucius' character.  
" Started talking to yourself, I see." she went on.  
" Yes..." Michael said venomously, "it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation."   
  
"I hear it's the first sign of madness." She quipped.  
"Really? I thought that was talking to you." Michael looked smug. Alex was not affected at all.   
She smirked, "No amount of talk is going to change the fact that I won the debate, Michael."  
"Well, if you had played fairly, I'd..." Lin, Harry and Cho's Ravenclaw daughter interrupted their argument.  
"Michael! There you are! I've been looking for you for ages!"   
  
Lin was the sweetest girl in school and it was obvious that Alex hated her, but when Lin placed her hand on Michael's arm the look that crossed Alex's face, though lacking warmth as usual, was murderous. Michael and Lin were oblivious.   
Lin continued, so sweetly that Alex's mind was invaded by images of herself disembowelling Lin. "I hope I see you both at Hogwarts homage to Aurelius Argentium the great writer, whom the literary world had the misfortune of losing last year." Lin said smiling at both of them.  
  
"I don't like Argentium." Michael said. Lin looked a little miffed which made Alex very happy.  
"How Ravenclaw of you, Michael," Alex told him, "not liking any writer who can write better than you can read."  
Michael lost it, why was this girl always picking on him?   
"At least we're not like the Slytherin, who take 15 minutes to read a single sentence because they have to stop at every 'difficult' word," he snapped.  
  
Lin tried to end the argument. "Like him or not he made an important contribution and we should honour him. At least we have his grand writings to remember him by."   
"At least we have his writings to remember him by!" Alex mimicked her.  
"You're such a child!" Michael told her.  
"What good are his writings now?" Alex told them, "Wouldn't it be better that his writings were shite and the man was still alive?"   
  
Michael had no reply for that one, so the three of them stood in silence. Suddenly Lin hugged Alex.  
"Oh, Alex!" she said, "You have such a good heart! I think she deserves a hug, don't you Michael?"  
"Yes! To be seen in public with you is not enough," she told Lin, "what I really need right now is a hug from a complete prat." She finished looking at Michael.  
"Rest assured I am not going to hug you, Alex." Michael said turning his back to her and looking for his sister again.  
For a few seconds a look of utter disappointment crossed Alex's face, but she quickly replaced it with her usual smirk.  
Lin ran after Michael.  
  
"Hey there, Alex!" Nick said putting his arm around her shoulders.  
"Leave me alone, Nick!" She growled. " If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market."  
"Ha, ha! You're so cute!" Nick exclaimed happily. "Just a piece of advice, luv, though entertaining to watch, that's not the way to Mick's heart." He left her side when he caught sight of a pretty girl walking by, leaving a very confused Alex behind him.  
  
Meanwhile, upstairs...  
  
Hermione was returning from their bathroom, where she had been splashing some water on her face, trying to freshen up.   
"Severus, it's chilly in here, have you... SEVERUS!!!!"  
Severus was peeing out of the window, too distracted in relieving himself to notice her. Hermione hastily made her way to him and angrily shut the window.  
Severus' yell could be heard within a 5-mile radius.  
  
  
Next update: Will everyone burst into the room looking for the source of the scream? Will Michael realize Alex loves him? Where the hell is Jane? All that and much more in... here. (Wow! That was lame!) 


	10. My Family 10

My Family 10  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- Thank you so much to: spud snape, Aemos, Chris, and especially to JoeBob1379 for reviewing Little Nicky when I was thinking about leaving it undone. This chapter is for you guys!  
  
  
Chapter 13  
  
  
"ARE YOU MAD?!" Severus yelled from his spot, lying on the bedroom floor.  
"Honestly, Severus, if they didn't have the music on so impossibly loud everyone would have come in here to see what happened!" Hermione told him, furious.  
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry for screaming when you nearly CASTRATED ME!"  
  
"I'd never do that. What use would I have for you then?" Hermione told him. "Anyway, you deserved it. Peeing out of the window! Honestly!"  
"And the worse is, I still have to go!" he complained. He finally came to a decision. "That's it, I'm going to the bathroom!"  
  
"What if someone sees you?" Hermione replied cautious.  
"Hermione, kindly remember I was a spy! I'm used to being discreet," he told her, opening their bedroom door and stepping outside.  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs...  
  
Michael went up to Brian Malfoy, "Brian, have you seen Janey?"  
"She was just here, I think she left with some of her girlfriends, said something about going to the bathroom." Brian answered.  
  
Michael huffed impatiently turning around. What he saw made him stop thinking about revenge against Jane:  
Nick. Sweet-talking a girl. And not just any girl. Alex. He made his way towards them, catching pieces of the conversation: "You're so cute." " The way... to... heart." and as he arrived Nick left smiling and Alex looked, for once in her life, well... vulnerable. She never was vulnerable around him!  
  
"Never thought you'd be so desperate to go for Nick!" he told her spitefully. Alex looked at him, confusion written in her features.  
"What?"  
"You. And Nick. I actually think it's a good idea. I'd get rid of both of you. You know, kill two birds with one stone." he said caustically.  
  
"You're mistaken Michael, I..." he interrupted her.  
"You're right, of course. It'd take more than a stone to kill a snake like you," he told her, turning his back and leaving her looking positively murderous.  
  
  
While upstairs...  
  
Severus made his way through a crowd of drunken teenagers, some of them his students. He passed by a boy snogging a girl and pushed the strawberry flavoured condom into his trousers' back pocket. Suddenly he heard loud moaning. He looked up to see Kevin/Dave stumble onto him.  
  
"Are you alright there Dave?" he asked the boy.  
"You got my name right!" the boy smiled. Then he threw up on him.  
  
  
"Look at this! Soaked to the bone!" Severus said, disgusted, inside the bathroom, while undressing himself. Someone started jiggling the doorknob. Severus panicked and threw himself, naked, into the bathtub, closing the curtain around it.  
  
"Who could have locked the door?" Janey asked her friends, entering the bathroom.  
Severus looked like he was considering strangling himself using the showerhead.  
  
"Do you mind if I use the toilet?" asked a voice he recognised for it belonged to Clarissa Mackay, one of his Slytherin students. "It's only number one," the girl explained.  
Severus hid his face in his hands.  
  
"Go ahead!" all the girls said.  
"Did you know that Kevin has a piercing in his... you know?" another girl said.  
"What ever for?" another asked.  
"So he can find it!" Jane said making all of them laugh.  
  
Clarissa finished her business and went to wash her hands. She paused.  
  
"Janey, there isn't any soap." she said.  
"Oh, wait! I'll just grab some for you from the tub." Jane told her reaching for the shower curtain.  
  
  
Next update: Ha, ha, ha! Cliffhanger! I'm sooo mean. Will Severus be found? Will Michael and Alex come to terms? You'll just have to wait. In the meanwhile, review! 


	11. My Family 11

My Family 11  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC, Daria belongs to MTV.  
  
A.N.- Hey, SnapesMistress2002, "don't be too mean"? That would take all the fun out of life! ; )   
This chapter is to SnapeJuice. I'll do everything, including selling my soul to Satan (again) just so you go on with your story "In the Nighttime".  
  
  
Chapter 14  
  
  
"Oh, come on, Brian!" Nick begged again. But Brian was undeterred.  
"No, Nick! I will not sponsor your latest suicide attempt! A Broom Stunt Display Team! Honestly! Besides I don't have any money," he explained.  
  
"You always say you don't have any money! Just last week, when I asked you to sponsor my painting exhibition you said you didn't have any money!" Nick replied.  
"And I didn't!" Brian insists.  
"You had your mouth full of truffles! I could barely make out what you were saying!" Nick said.  
  
"If I sponsored your painting exhibition everyone in school would hate me!!" Brian yelled, "We were all getting tired of having to watch you getting dragged by your father from the Great Hall while you were attempting to 'paint'!"  
Nick sighed, "Dad has no appreciation for artistic talent."  
Brian was disgusted, "Nick, you were painting in the nude!"  
  
"Hey guys!" Lin Potter popped between them. Brian was immediately in a bad mood. He didn't like Lin just because she was a Potter, he didn't like her because if his sister saw him talking to the girl he would have no rest at home.  
"Hey, Lin!" Nick greeted cheerfully.  
"So, can I count with the two of you at Hogwarts' homage to Aurelius Argentium?" she asked.  
"I don't think I've ever read anything by Argentium." Brian pondered.  
  
"Oh, I had one of his books!" Nick informed excitedly, "What was it called? Oh, yes Principium Finitus."  
"And what was it like?" Brian inquired.  
"It scratched a bit," Nick clarified, "but it was very absorbent."  
Lin gave up and went searching for Michael.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, upstairs...  
  
Jane pulled back the shower curtain while Severus flattened himself to the bottom of the tub.  
Fortunately for him Jane was so focussed on getting the soap that she didn't even look down.  
"Ah, here it is!" She grabbed the soap and turned to her friends. Severus pulled the shower curtain back with his hand.  
  
"Oy! Are you going to take long in there?" they heard Nick's voice saying.  
The girls started exiting the bathroom, under Nick's appraising gaze.  
Nick entered the bathroom locking the door behind him. He then made his way to the toilet, lifted the top of the flushing cistern and pulled out a dirty magazine. He was just getting himself comfortable when:  
  
"Pssst! Nicholas!" Severus hissed from the tub.  
Nick guiltily looked around. Suddenly he got up, stared at the toilet and bowed.  
  
"Talking toilet," he said, "you may call me Nick."  
Severus rolled his eyes.  
"Nick!" He said anew, pulling back the shower curtain and sitting up.  
  
"Oh. Hey Dad!" Nick said with no surprise whatsoever.  
"Nick! You have to help me!" Severus pleaded.  
"Sorry, what did you say?" Nick asked.  
"You have to help me!" Severus repeated.  
"Come again?" Nick insisted.  
"Nick!" Severus warned.  
"Sorry!" Nick explained, "I was enjoying that!"  
  
"Give me a towel!" Severus indicated the towel cabinet.  
Nick opened it and gave Severus a towel no bigger that his hand.  
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" Severus asked.  
Nick nodded affirmatively, but gave Severus a bigger towel, which he used to wrap around his waist.  
  
"So," Nick started, "why are you naked?"  
"Well," Severus began to explain, "I had to go to the bathroom, but this kid threw up on me, so I took my clothes off, and then this girls walked in, and..."  
"Dad," Nick held a hand up, "say no more! We've all been there."  
  
"Nick! That's not it, I..." Severus tried to explain.  
"No worries, Dad! I won't say anything to Mum!" Nick cheerfully added.  
"Well, that's being loyal to your mother!" Severus commented.  
"Look who's talking!" Nick laughed.  
  
Someone started banging at the door with great force.  
"Nick!" Jane yelled, "Open up! Kevin really has to throw up!"  
"Again?!" Severus said incredulously, "He's a bottomless pit!"  
  
  
Next Update: How is Severus going to get out of this one? Were he on his on, he might stand a chance, but let us not forget Nick is aiding him. 


	12. My Family 12

My Family 12  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.  
  
A.N.- Thanks to all my reviewers! Without you guys I wouldn't have enough will to get of my lazy arse (actually sit on my lazy arse) and write on!  
Hope you like it!   
  
  
Chapter 15  
  
  
"I'm serious, Nick!" Jane yelled again, "if you don't open up, I'm taking Kevin to throw-up in your bedroom!"  
"Daaaavvveee," Kevin/Dave slurred out.  
Nick made a move for the door handle. Severus jumped to stop him, his towel dropping to the floor.  
  
Nick looked down at his father.  
"Don't worry, Dad! It _is_ cold."  
Severus quickly went to grab his towel, but Nick swept it off the floor before he could get it and held it out of his father's reach.  
  
"Hang on a bit!" Nick exclaimed as if having discovered the gunpowder.  
"I believe I am," Severus said, his hand expectantly stretched for the towel.  
Nick laughed and gave him the towel, which Severus secured around his waist.  
"Don't try to distract me with your jokes, Dad! Aren't you supposed to be in Oxford?" Nick enquired seriously.  
  
Severus' hands fisted in frustration, "Nick! There's no time for this!" He said. "Someone's life is at stake!"  
"Who's?" Nick asked.  
"Yours," Severus said threateningly.  
  
"NICK!" Jane yelled.  
  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs...  
  
  
"Ah, Alexandra!" Brian gestured for his little sister to come closer, she, of course did not bulge. Knowing her, Brian made his way to where she stood.  
"I wish you wouldn't do that," Alex told him the moment he reached her side.  
"Do what?" Brian asked without losing his unflappable calm.  
  
"Wave your hand like your calling for a servant," she explained, "no, not even that, because Malfoys do not acknowledge the..."  
-"existence of those bellow them."  
-"existence of those bellow them."  
They said in unison.  
  
"Quite right, there, Alexandra, quite right." Brian smirked.  
"Of course," he went on, "that's not very practical, since very few are not below a Malfoy."  
Alex's smirk was exactly like his.  
"Our grandparents' lessons are indeed invaluable," she said.  
  
Brian noticed his little sister looking intently across the room. He followed her gaze and found Michael.  
"Staring at my future brother-in-law?" He asked, amused.  
"Brian! How dare you?! I don't even enjoy being seen with Michael! The mere thought of ending up married to him is preposterous!" She said, appalled.  
  
Brian's smirk turned into a broad grin, very befitting of his Weasley side.  
"I was referring to my marriage to his delightful sister, Janey. But now that you've brought it up..." he teased.  
Alex appeared alarmed.  
  
  
Meanwhile, upstairs...  
  
  
"This is my last warning, Nick!" Jane was now screaming.  
Severus was pacing the bathroom incessantly, hands not leaving his waist, holding the towel tightly.  
"What to do? What to do?" He muttered.  
"Don't worry, Dad. I have a cunning plan." Nick told him.  
  
"NICK!" Jane yelled again.  
  
'Oh, well, it can't get any worse', Severus thought.  
"Let us hear it, then," Severus conceded.  
"I do this all the time, when I want to avoid being seen..." Nick started to explain.  
  
"Well, then you don't do it often enough for my taste," Severus interrupted.  
Nick dismissed his comment and went on, "you just climb out the window, grab on to the ledge, don't look down! This is, after all the 2nd floor. Ha, ha, and then grab on to the ledge, slide, slide, slide, hang on to the water-spout, make a jump for the other ledge, slide, slide, slide, and... you're at your bedroom window," he concluded triumphantly.  
  
Jane started jiggling the door-handle frantically.  
  
"Are you sure about that?" Severus fearfully asked. Nick was already pushing his father out of the window. Grabbing one of his legs and setting it on the other side.  
"Dad," he looked deep into Severus' eyes, "just trust me."  
  
"Oh, that's it!" Severus exclaimed, "now I'm really not going!"  
"Alohomora!" Jane whispered from the other side of the door, judging Kevin/Dave too drunk not to remember it in the morning.  
The door clicked open and Severus threw his hands to the ledge above the window.  
  
"Nick! I'm stuck! Pull me down!" Severus shouted in panic.  
Nick encircled his father's legs with his arms.  
"What's going on in here?" Jane asked bewildered.  
  
Nick pulled forcefully and landed on the floor, covered by the towel.  
Severus' legs could be seen dangling in front of the window. But they were not the only thing dangling.  
Jane made a horrified face, "DAD!"  
  
"Hi, Janey," Severus said, embarrassed, attempting to cross his legs.  
Jane turned around so as not to "face" her father.  
Nick sat on the floor, laughing heartily.  
  
Behind them, Kevin/Dave was throwing up.  
  
  
Next update: We will finally see Nick's Broom Stunt Display one-man Team! 


	13. My Family 13

My Family 13  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC. I don't know to whom "Do They Know It's Christmas" belongs to, but rest assured it does not belong to me.  
  
A.N.- That was heartless JoeBob1379! I heard that song on Monday, 16th Dec. and have been trying to get it out of my head ever since. And just when I had forgotten it... you do THIS!  
But, of course I will put it in the fic, to make you and myself happy. After all George Michael is in it and as all know, I'm George Michael's sex-slave. That's why I have all this free time to write fanfiction, 'cause I'm a girl and George Michael is... *clears throat*...George Michael.  
Anyway... Enjoy!   
  
  
  
Chapter 16  
  
  
"FEED THE WORLD  
LET THEM KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME  
FEED THE WORLD  
DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AT ALL?" Kevin\Dave was shouting while Michael and Jane pushed him out of the front door.  
It took them a half hour to get him out of his alcoholic stupor and off of the bathroom's floor.  
  
  
"What a splendid morning, huh, Dad?" Nick chirped happily.  
Severus just stared at him with a vacant look.  
  
  
"And then, not only was he spying on me," Jane was yelling at her mother, "he decided to strip and hang out the window!"  
"Oh, dear," Hermione said, trying unsuccessfully to stifle her mirth, "Severus, what ever came over you?"  
Severus looked at her with no small amount of disgust.  
  
  
"Had I been here," Hermione went on, "I wouldn't have allowed such behaviour, but since I was, as you know, in Oxford..."  
Jane was staring at her father, "For your sake, it's better that I'm not around you for the next days. I'm going to Grandmum and Granddad's," she said moving up the stairs to her room.  
Severus looked glum.  
  
  
"Oh, come on, dear!" Hermione consoled him, "after all, what parent doesn't unintentionally scar his child for life?"  
Severus scowled.  
"This," Hermione insisted, "is only to be expected in a normal family, such as ours."  
Michael laughed heartily, but soon stopped under Hermione's scattering look.  
  
  
"This porridge," Michael pointed to his bowl, "is very amusing."  
"I mean it, Severus," she said, "younger people could learn from our example as a normal and happy family."  
Michael laughs hysterically. Hermione gives him another scattering look.  
Michael puts down his spoon, "this porridge is so funny I can't even eat it!" He quickly leaves the kitchen.  
  
  
"Oh, well," Nick said reaching for Michael's porridge and eating it, "better eat up. I want to be at my best for my Broom Stunt Display!" He moved for the living room.  
  
  
"Severus, I'm worried about Nick!" Hermione told him, grasping his hands.  
"Too late for Nick. You'd better worry about Michael, instead," he answered.  
"I'm serious, Severus! He can get hurt!"  
"Hermione, I wouldn't worry about the boy. He hasn't taken anything through since he finished fighting his way out of your womb," he comforted her, while they made their way to the living-room, where Nick and Michael were watching TV.  
  
  
Hermione looked pointedly at Severus. He sighed in defeat.  
"Nick," he started, "I want to have a talk with you."  
"No, you don't," Michael interrupted, "Mum wants to have a talk with him. You're just the middle-man."  
"Michael," Severus warned, "don't be clever."  
  
  
"I have no time to talk, Dad," Nick said, getting up, "I'm on my way to glory!"   
He put on his jacket and moved to the door.  
"Nick, don't do this, you're my only son!" Hermione pleaded.  
"HEY!" Michael protested.  
"Apart from Michael," Hermione added distractedly.  
"I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you!" She said, hugging Nick tightly.  
"I've got a list," Severus said.  
  
"Mum," Nick told her gravely, "you've got to let me be a man," he finished, closing the door on his way out.  
  
  
  
  
Sometime later....  
  
  
Nick is lying on a hospital bed; he's all wrapped up like a mummy. The smile he's always wearing is still on his face.  
  
"Oh, my poor dear!" Hermione shouted hugging his head.  
"Well?" Severus inquired.  
Nick's smile widened further, if possible, "a broken arm, a broken wrist, three broken ribs and whiplash!"  
Severus grimaced in despair, "you complete and utter..." Hermione elbows him in the side, " poor thing," Severus finished.  
  
  
Nick went on, "it was all going well until Spike added too much paraffin into the wall of tires. I got blinded by the smoke and hit the side of a cow," he beamed, like it was the greatest thing in the world.  
"Is the cow alright?" Hermione asked.  
"She's brilliant!" Nick chuckled, "the crowd went wild!"  
"Did you land on your head?" Severus asked.  
"I don't know," Nick looked confused, "my mind's a complete blank."  
Severus nodded, "back to normal, then."  
  
  
"I think I will leave you two alone," Hermione announced pushing Severus forward.  
"Hermione..." Severus protested.  
"I have to go ask the doctors how long will the Skele-Grow take to make effect," she said practically jogging out of the room.  
  
  
Next Update: A special appearance from a much beloved "Little Nicky" character. 


	14. My Family 14

My Family 14  
  
by: Isa  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.   
  
  
A.N.- Maybe some of you have read my stories and thought, 'Hey! This Isa must be a pretty interesting girl!' To prove you wrong I finally placed a bio on my author page.  
This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful SnapeJuice. More Michael for you! And remember, the words of Maggie Thatcher: "To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best."   
  
  
*  
  
"So..." Severus started, obviously uncomfortable.  
"So..." Nick stared at him, very amused, "what's that peeking from under your robes?" he asked.  
  
  
"Oh" Severus looked like a deer caught in the headlights, "this... this is just some silly thing your mother thought... it's... never mind."  
"Oh, let us see it!" Nick said enthusiastically, "Come on! Show me!"  
  
  
Severus sighed in defeat and pulled it from under his robes.  
"SIR EDWARD TEDWORTH!" Nick cried with joy.  
"Yes, yes," Severus said, making hushing gestures with his hands, "no need to let everyone know!"  
  
  
"Oh, Dad! This is great! Go on!" Nick encouraged him.  
"Sorry," Severus appeared confused, "go on with what?"  
"You know!" Nick said giddily, "Do the voice!"  
  
  
Severus was horror-struck. He looked around to make sure no one was paying attention.  
"I don't know of what you may be referring to," he hissed.  
"Come on, Dad! Do the voice! Do the voice! Do the voice!"  
  
  
"I...don't..." Severus stuttered.  
"For old time's sake, Dad!" Nick begged.  
Severus took a deep breath and he seemed about to disgrace himself in public.  
"Oh, sod off!" he told Nick.  
  
  
Nick didn't lose his cheery face, "That's not how I remember it!"  
"You seem to be enjoying this entirely too much," Severus said, beginning to move to the door.  
"Actually, Dad, I need a favour," Nick called after him.  
  
  
"What is it?" Severus grudgingly asked.  
"Help me to pee," Nick told him completely straight-faced.  
"I beg your pardon?!" Severus was appalled.  
  
  
"Dad!" Nick reprimanded him raising his Skele-Grow encased arms, "it's not like I can manage it on my own!"  
Severus silently cursed that night roughly 17 years ago, when he and Hermione thought it would be a good idea to go wild.  
  
  
Grabbing a bottle he reached under Nick's blankets, disgust etched on his face.  
He moved around a bit.  
"Ouch!" Nick yelped.  
"Sorry," Severus said mortified, "there you go!" He declared, quickly moving away from the bed.  
  
  
Nick stared blankly at his father.  
"Dad?" he said, "what I meant was for you to call a nurse."  
  
  
  
Later, at home....  
  
  
"Honestly, Severus!" Hermione was beginning to lose her patience, "how many more times are you going to wash your hands?"  
"Believe me, Hermione, there's not enough soap in the world!" Severus replied, not pausing from his vigorous scrub.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the living room...  
  
  
"So," Nick now completely healed, ruffled his brother's hair, knocking off his glasses, "Did you miss me, Mike?"  
"Of course I did!" Michael told him replacing the glasses on his nose.  
"You have?!" Nick asked disbelievingly.  
  
  
"Yes," Michael assured him, "I always shovel my food onto your plate. While you where away, I actually had to eat it."  
Nick laughed heartily.  
Michael looked eager.  
"What's up? Thinking about the lovely Alex?" Nick teased him.  
  
  
"No!" Michael was quick to deny.  
"Then what is it?"  
"Are you aware that our parents are just puppets in this comedy I call life? They believe they are in control but they are wrong, I am in control," Michael was becoming increasingly excited with each word, "I super-glued the top of a pickle jar. Mum will attempt to open it and fail. She will take it to Dad who, refusing to compromise his masculinity won't use magic. He will also fail, no matter how hard he tries. He will conclude claiming a conspiracy by the pickle's industry people. And mum will roll her eyes. Truly, I am the puppet master!" He concluded triumphantly.  
  
  
"Michael," Nick calmly said, "you really need to get a girlfriend."  
  
  
They both moved to the kitchen.  
  
  
Severus neared Hermione's cooking, he inhaled deeply then started coughing madly.  
"What are you cooking?" He asked, looking at her through tear-filled eyes.  
"It's an "all-that's-in-the-fridge" stew," Hermione beamed, "so that we eat everything before it spoils!"  
  
  
"Smells like you were too late," Severus commented.  
  
  
"Children listen and learn!" Hermione called for their attention.  
"Some people," she started, "go by taste to know when the food is ready. I go by the colour of the smoke. It's like choosing a new Pope!"   
  
  
She was getting very excited, going into professor mode.  
"Now pay attention, I'm going to tell exactly what ingredient is missing just by tasting it."  
She reached for a spoon. "One could say I'm the Sherlock Holmes of the kitchen!" She added.  
  
  
"One might say you can't cook," Michael muttered.  
She tastes it and chokes.  
Michael smiled wolfishly, "maybe all it needs is some pickles!"  
  
  
  
Next Update: Is Michael really the puppet master? You'll have to wait to see how his plan carries on. 


	15. My Family 15

My Family 15  
  
by: Isa  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.   
  
A.N.- I don't think this one went well. I'm bored out of my mind. You're warned. If it sucks don't come nagging me.  
Thanks to all my reviewers.  
Clavel: Here is the next chapter. I know it took longer than usual, so sorry.  
Zoe: Thanks! Ben or Severus, which one's the best? Can't say, really.  
LadyTiffany: Hope you keep finding it funny!  
SnapeJuice: More Michael goodness for you!  
JoeBob1379: The puppet master mystery revealed!  
Sarah: I hope, for your sake, that your family is not as bad as the Snapes.  
SnapesMistress2002: Ah, my faithful reviewer! Keep reviewing and I'll keep updating!  
  
*  
  
"Pickles?" Hermione said disbelievingly. "That's brilliant!"  
She waved a spoon at Severus and ordered in a commanding voice, "Go fetch them for me, Severus!"  
"Jawohl, mein Führer," Severus mumbled under his breath.  
He opened the cupboard and passed Hermione the pickle jar.  
  
Michael pulled out a chair and made himself comfortable so as to better enjoy the show.  
  
Hermione started struggling with the lid. After awhile she gave up and wordlessly passed the jar back to Severus. To Michael's dismay he seemed about to wave his wand above the jar. Thankfully Severus caught Hermione's amused look. Refusing to be thought a weakling old man he began to struggle with the lid.  
  
5 minutes later...  
  
Severus was still trying to force the jar open. Red faced and gritting his teeth he tried one last time.  
"Merlin's balls!" He shouted throwing the jar to the bin.  
"Severus!" Hermione reprimanded nodding in Michael and Nick's direction, "The children!"  
  
"Here we go!" Michael beamed.  
Nick shook his head sadly.  
  
"Curse those pickle industry people!" Severus thundered. "They do this on purpose! You can't open it so you have to buy another one! Curse them!"  
Hermione rolled her eyes.  
  
Michael stood up triumphantly. "I am the puppet master!" He said before leaving the kitchen.  
  
Severus and Hermione stared at their youngest child's retreating back.  
"What's wrong with him?" Severus asked in an uncharacteristically concerned tone.  
"He's mad as a bicycle!" Nick said proudly, and then followed Michael.  
Hermione went back to her cooking, but Severus looked puzzled.  
"Hermione, what on earth is a bicycle?"  
  
That night...  
  
Hermione and Severus are in their bed. Hermione is, as always, reading a book. Severus looks annoyed.  
"Hermione, aren't you finished yet?"  
"Just a few more pages," she answers distractedly.  
"You said that 15 min ago," he insists.  
  
"Very well!" She sprawls herself on the bed. "Go ahead! Do what you must!"  
Severus seems to consider this for a few seconds.  
"Mmmh, alright!" He grabs her and starts kissing her.  
  
"You know," she told him between kisses, "unless I finish that book I won't be able to focus and won't enjoy this at all."  
Severus pauses.   
"Well, then I'm very sorry about that," he says before continuing to kiss her.  
  
Hermione grabs her wand and waves it, "Nox."  
  
Severus kisses his way down her body. Hermione moans something.  
"What was that, dear?" He asks, lifting his mouth from her thigh.  
  
"Mum said, 'a little to the right', Dad."  
  
Hermione yelps and Severus struggles from under the covers.  
  
"NICK! How many times have I told you not to come barging into our room?"  
"I've come to a decision about my future after Hogwarts," Nick announced.  
"Couldn't you wait until tomorrow?" Severus asked beyond irritated.  
Nick considered it.  
"Alright, see you tomorrow!" He said, leaving.  
  
"No! Nick, what is it you decided?" Hermione called after him.  
"I am going to become a magician!" Nick said proudly.  
"You mean a wizard." Severus corrected him.  
"No," Nick said, excitedly, " a muggle magician!"  
  
Severus got out of bed pulling his pyjamas' trousers up. "No son of mine is_"  
But Nick was already on his way to his room. "See you tomorrow!" He told them from his door.  
"Not if I can change the locks!" Severus shouted in the corridor.  
  
The next morning...  
  
Michael is eating his cereal. Severus and Hermione are arguing about Nick's announcement.  
"Maybe he'll be good at it," Hermione told him.  
"A good magician?! Well, he certainly made 17 years of my life disappear!"  
  
Nick enters the kitchen wearing a top hat and a cape. He immediately goes to Severus.  
"Good day to you, Sir," Nick said theatrically, "tell the audience, we have never met, have we?"  
"If only!" Severus pushed him aside.  
  
Nick gives his cape a twirl.  
"Is this," he waves a gold pocket watch towards Hermione and Michael and finally faces Severus, "your watch?"  
"Yes," Severus says while making a move to grab it. Nick keeps the watch out of his reach.  
"Amazing, huh?" He asks proudly.  
"Not really," Severus is now very annoyed. "I haven't worn that watch for three days, since you took it from my bedside table."  
  
"AH! But that is the real magic!" Nick says cheerily. "You think the trick is happening when it has already happened."  
"That is not real magic. Now give me back my watch!" Severus demanded.  
"What's the magic word?" Nick teased.  
"Hospital," Severus answered venomously.  
  
Next update: Nick, The Magician. 


	16. My Family 16

My Family 16  
  
by: Isa  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.   
  
A.N.- Thanks to all my reviewers!  
Zoe- I agree with you. Ben's arms are gorgeous. Lucky Susan!  
JoeBob1379- Here it is! Glad you liked the other one!  
Clavel- And you can love him! In this story you're still his girl! ;)  
Trace- Keanu Reeves is much hotter than Nick really is. But, hey!, if you want to imagine him that way.  
Canadian weirdo- Your parents are going to end up accusing me of corrupting your sense of humour. :)  
SnapeJuice- It's really funny you should mention Sev having a coronary. But that is for later chapters.   
Smiley- Thanks! I'm really glad you like it!  
SnapesMistress2002- Here you have magician!Nick. Hope you get better! *glares with you at your cold*  
  
*  
  
Severus is frantically opening and closing drawers in the kitchen.  
"Where can it be?!" He hisses in frustration.  
  
Nick enters, still wearing his cape and top hat.  
  
Severus pauses his searches.  
"Nick, I'm looking for the tape measurer. Have you seen it?"  
"What for?" Nick asks, suspicious.  
"Doesn't matter what for!" Severus keeps searching, angrily pushing his hair out of his eyes.  
  
Nick gets closer to his father and puts his hands on his shoulders.  
He turns his father around, so they are facing each other.  
  
"Don't worry, Dad. It's not the meat. It's the motion." He says reassuringly.  
  
Severus pushes him away.  
He lifts his hand and sets his fingers and inch apart from each other.  
"Nick, I'm this close to_"  
  
Nick pushes his father away.  
"I see your problem." He searches through the drawers. " Here it is, my collapsible wand. You can hide it just about anywhere!" He proudly hands the WWW product over to his father.  
  
"Really?" Severus twiddles with the toy, smiling maliciously. "Anywhere? I've got a few ideas_"  
The wand collapses.  
  
Nick hugs his father.  
"Don't worry, Dad. You've got a lovely personality."  
  
Later, at lunch...  
  
They are all sitting at the table, except Jane, who is talking with Bryan through the fireplace.  
  
"No, no, no!" Jane yells at the flames. "I could care less if you are indeed seeing someone else. What I'm upset about is the fact that you weren't discreet enough to keep me from finding out!"  
"But, Janey, dearest, I swear I didn't_"  
"Oh, you swear?! One of the reasons I'm with you is that you, like me, never keep your promises! We're not idiotic Gryffindors! So_"  
  
Hermione seems upset at Jane's words.  
"Janey! Your food is getting cold!"  
  
Jane looks grudgingly at her mother.  
"We'll continue this conversation later."  
And she moves away from the fireplace not even waiting for a reply.  
  
Hermione looks at Severus.  
"Weren't you supposed to have fixed the hedge today?"  
"I tried. But I couldn't find the tape measurer." He looks annoyed.  
"Probably with your smile." She says, before taking a forkful to her mouth.  
  
"I don't know why you won't allow me to fix it the right way!" He sounds exasperated. "Just a flick of a wand and_"  
Hermione interrupts him.  
"And all the muggle neighbours would know you're a wizard."  
  
He shakes his head in exasperation.  
"Severus, try to make an effort." She placed her hand above his.  
He scowls. "Everything to me is an effort."  
  
"DAD!" Nick says interrupting their discussion.  
  
Michael, who was shovelling his food onto Nick's plate, quickly sets his own plate down and tenses up ready to flee, lest someone will actually force him to eat the food.  
  
"What is it, Nicholas?" Severus drawls.   
"Dad, can I borrow some money?" Nick asks cheerily.  
Severus doesn't even let him pause. "No."  
Nick goes on as if he didn't hear. "And before you say no_"  
"No," Severus repeats.  
"Just listen what I want it for!" Nick pleads, smiling.  
  
Severus gives in with a defeated sigh.  
"Go on, then."  
Nick opens his arms triumphantly as he makes the revelation.  
"Doves!"  
  
Hermione looks alarmed.  
"Nick, darling, you're not good with animals! Remember Phillip, the fish?"  
Nick looks hurt.  
"I was six!"  
  
"You put an alka-seltzer in the fishbowl," Hermione reminds him.  
For the first time ever Nick looks very, very sad.  
"I thought he'd like a jacuzzi!" He confesses.  
  
*  
  
Next update: Will Nick get his doves? Will Jane find out if Bryan is really cheating on her? Will...um... that's all I can think of, for now. 


	17. My Family 17

My Family 17  
  
by: Isa  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC.   
  
A.N.- Thanks to all my reviewers!  
  
Darcel- Glad you find it funny!   
  
SnapeJuice- My European nature is acting up. You always say it's great. I think it's because you're my friend. You even liked that priest!Draco garbage I wrote. I'm starting to get suspicious. ;)  
  
Zoe- I had never thought of that! Wanamaker has been around both of them! Curse her!  
  
Clavel- I'm the youngest too. But everyone's too smart to let me shovel food onto their plate. So I actually end up having to eat the… 'food'.  
  
Sage- Wow! That's a lot of praise. Thanks!  
  
JoeBob1379- Nick wants doves for his 'magic' tricks.   
  
Aemos- Yes, I get the idea. ;) Thank you.  
  
gsnape2003- Your poor husband! Funny, I've never thought of them as the Osbournes. I suppose it's because they don't curse as much.   
  
Claire Bear Blondie- I'll try to give Severus and Hermione some time alone in this one. I like Janey too. She's the one most like me.  
  
Sarah Riddle- Here's more for you. :)  
  
SnapesMistress2002- I'm so happy you liked it! Thank you for always reviewing.   
  
*  
  
Severus and Hermione are in bed.  
  
"Severus," she whispers.  
He keeps sleeping.  
"Severus!"  
He still doesn't move.  
"SEVERUS! THE BED'S ON FIRE!"  
  
He sits up, startled.  
  
"Huh? What? What?"  
  
Hermione smiles, "Ah! You're awake!"  
He looks at her, disbelievingly. "Are you mad?"  
She ignores him.  
"Severus, I'm worried," she frowns as he rolls his eyes, "I mean it! I saw Nick going to his bedroom with a chainsaw. Maybe we should check up on him."  
  
Severus gets back under the covers.  
"So go check on him."  
Hermione is upset.  
"Severus! Our baby boy could be lying unconscious right now!"  
He gets his head under the pillow.   
"So could I if you'd just shut up."  
  
"What did you just say?"  
He gives up and sits. "Nothing, nothing."  
  
Suddenly Hermione gets very happy. "Oh, I just remembered! I'm going to invite the Potters over for dinner on Wednesday."  
Severus doesn't even consider it.  
"No."  
"It would make me happy."  
He pauses to think this time.  
"No."  
  
Hermione sighs. "I shall have to remain sad."  
Severus smiles, shaking his head.  
"You know what's truly sad, Hermione? Is that you've already invited the Potters for dinner. I know you've already invited the Potters for dinner and you know I know you've already invited the Potters for dinner.  
  
Hermione is about to reply when Nick walks in.  
  
"See?" Severus asks her. "He's not dead." He sounds disappointed.  
"Nick," Hermione calls. "Nick! How many times have we told you not to keep barging into our room?"  
  
Nick looks very disappointed. "Oh... You can see me."  
"Yes," Severus says, "that is the tragedy of my existence. Now get out, I'm giving your mother an earful."  
Nick shrugs. "Whatever floats your boat."  
  
*   
The next morning…  
*  
  
Janey is playing the violin horribly. Severus walks into her bedroom.  
"Could you stop that?"  
Janey sighs dramatically. "I play because I'm sad."  
Severus nods. "Now I'm sad. Ah! The power of music."  
Jane looks upset. She can't believe her father is treating her like he treats her brothers. "Aren't you going to ask me why I'm sad?"  
"No. That would lead to a conversation." He leaves.  
Jane plays even worse, if possible.  
  
Nick and Michael are sitting at the kitchen table. A deck of cards is splayed in front of them, face down.  
  
Nick waves his arms around theatrically. "Pick a card, any card!"  
Michael moves to choose a card. Nick grabs his hand and attempts to guide it over the cards.   
Whenever Michael is about to choose one he forces his hand in a different direction.  
Michael finally gets annoyed. "For Merlin's sake! They're all the same anyway!"   
He turns the cards face up, showing they're, in fact, all Queens of Hearts.  
Nick looks at them for a beat until he shouts at Michael's retreating back, "No! I shuffled them!"  
  
Severus enters the kitchen and almost trips over a large chest, lying on the floor.  
"What's this?" He asks pointing at it.  
Nick gets up. "Ah! You've found my cabinet of mystery!"   
Severus moves away from him. "The only mystery in this house is why we kept you."  
  
Nick grabs his father's arm to get his attention. "I spent ages figuring what to call myself."  
"Really?" Severus manages to get his arm free. "You should have come to me, then."  
Nick ignores him. "Marvo the Mystic, The Great Confusio_"  
Severus interrupts. "Waste of space."  
Nick doesn't even pause, "Then it came to me, Dad, in a flash of light, a real winner: John Miles."  
  
Severus looks at him. "That's not a magician's name."  
Nick smiles proudly. "Exactly. No one will be expecting it."  
  
Severus goes to the living room where Hermione is grading papers.  
"Don't forget the dinner with the Potters," Hermione reminds him.  
Severus slaps his forehead. "I forgot! Wednesday. I've arranged to meet the other Potions Masters. Big meeting. Every prominent Potions Master in Europe will be there."   
Hermione nods distractedly. "It's alright."  
  
Severus goes on, "That's the night you've invited the Potters for dinner, and I can't make it. Sorry. Any other night but Wednesday. Any other night."  
Hermione nods again. "That's alright. The Potters are coming over tonight."  
  
Severus stares at her for a long time.  
  
"You said it was Wednesday."  
Hermione looks up and smiles. "I did, didn't I?"  
  
He stares at her again.  
  
"Oh, that is so brilliant." He smiles.  
"Thank you." She looks proud of herself.  
  
Severus keeps smiling. "I need a drink."  
  
He goes back into the kitchen.  
Nick looks at him, while he pours a glass of whisky.  
"What happened to you?"  
Severus twirls the drink in his glass. "I married your mother."  
  
*  
That night…  
*  
  
Jane is talking to Bryan through the fireplace again.  
"If I hear another excuse I'm going to throw up! Look I've got to go, the Potters must be arriving soon and_"  
  
Alex who had been listening to he brother's conversation with his girlfriend, just for the fun of not being supposed to be doing it, shoves her brother out of the way and talks to Jane.  
  
"What do you mean the Potters are arriving soon?" She asks irately.  
"Ah, Alex!" Jane smiles. She likes Alex. "Yes, I know. Stupid scar-head Potter, his dwarfish wife and that annoying little 'thing' that's their daughter are coming over for dinner."  
  
Alex is seething with rage. "Invite me."  
Jane is taken aback. "What?!"  
"You heard me! Invite me over for dinner."  
"Why?" Jane asks, delighted at having some power over someone else.  
  
Alex avoids the question masterfully. "If you invite me I'll get you proof that my brother is cheating on you."  
Bryan interrupts, "That's a lie! My own sister! I_"  
"Shut up!" Jane growls. "You mean he HAS been cheating on me?"  
Bryan shouts, "NO!"  
  
Alex rolls her beautiful grey eyes. "I didn't say that. I said I could get you proof."  
Jane laughs. "I like you. Consider yourself invited. Now hurry up flooing here."  
  
*  
  
Next Update: Alex and Lin at the same table, Michael in the middle. Hermione trying to get Severus and Jane to get along with Harry and Cho while Nick is being a magician. 


	18. My Family 18

My Family 18

by: Isa

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions and Blackadder belongs to BBC. 

A.N.- I dedicate this chapter to the wonderful SnapeJuice. May this be a never-ending cycle. 

Thanks to all my reviewers!

Darcel – Ah, Bryan's used to it. I assure you Alex was always mean.

Aemos – How do I do it? I made a nice deal with Satan.

Estel Yurewen – Such praise! Well, here's another chapter. 

Snapes Angel – Glad I could make you laugh! And I agree, Snape and Ben are very much alike.

SnapeJuice – There will come a day when your parents will advise you not to talk to me. That I'm corrupting you. And they'll be right. You seem very confident that Bryan is not cheating! More Mike for you. 

JLF – Ah! Finally, someone who agrees with me about Nick's cleverness! You'll get to know what happened to Ron in the next chapter.

Zoe – I hope you like this one. I feel better if I remember that Wanamaker didn't get to kiss Rickman.

Clio – Olá Clio! Ainda bem que estás a gostar. Uau! Acho que é a primeira vez que tenho uma review em português. 

divine*soean – I'll try to write more Hogwarts scenes, but not in this chapter. Sorry. :( Thanks for reading!  

Milah Luciana Merverosa – YAY! I loved writing that Headboy/Headgirl joke! You're the first person ever to comment about it. *hugs you*

Sarah Riddle – Well, here's more!

ohmygawwwd – Thanks! *vainly accepts your praise* 

kittydopter – Thank you!

SnapesMistress2002 -  Ah, my faithful reviewer! I think Nick's cute for wanting to be a magician. I think he's doing it more because it annoys Severus than anything else. 

JoeBob1379 – Another faithful reviewer! *gasps* Fluff?! I can't write fluff! I'll have to change it! 

neon silver – Sorry I took so long to update. I hope it was worth it.

*

Severus frantically looks around the house for his new robes.

"Where could they be?" He asks while throwing clothes in the air.

Nick enters his parents' bedroom. Severus doesn't even look up from his search.

"Nick, have you seen my new robes?"

Nick smiles. "What do you think?"

Severus turns around to find his son wearing his new robes. The robes are dyed beyond recognition with a deep blue background and golden stars.

Severus looks at him, calmly. "I think I'm going to kill you. Those were mine."

Nick nods, happily. "I donated them last week then I bought them back."

Severus lowers his head and takes a deep breath before going on. "Why didn't you just keep them?"

Nick looks appalled. "Dad! That would be stealing!"

Hermione enters the room with Michael and Jane.

"Now, listen to me," she says in a no-argument tone, "I don't want any impolite comments about Harry, Cho or Lin. Did I make myself clear?"

Michael shrugs. "Fine by me."

Jane is not very happy. "I hate Lin. She's a complete idiot. Always so sweet. Oh, I just remembered, I invited Alex Malfoy." She adds distractedly.

Michael turns his head around so quickly that his glasses slide down his nose. "Alex? ALEX?! You know I can't stand Alex! You did it just to spite me!" He shouts at his sister, red faced with anger.

Jane smirks. "No, that's just an added bonus."

Hermione thinks about it and she turns to Michael. "I don't see why your little friend can't come over, it'll be a nice dinner." 

Michael's face reddens even further. "She. Is. Not. My. Friend. She's a cold hearted b_ she's not nice!"

Hermione frowns at him. "She's a sweet girl. That spiky exterior is just hiding a delicate and sensitive nature within." She declares, eyes towards the sky, in a poetic tone.

Nick chimes in. "Like a chestnut!"

Hermione looks a little off put but she quickly reconsiders. "Yes! Like a chestnut!"

Nick looks proud.

Severus rolls his eyes. "I admit young Miss. Malfoy will make the evening more bearable."

Hermione smiles. "It's settled, then!"

Suddenly a sound suspiciously like doves cooing is heard.

Nick accios a bag of grain from the kitchen and starts pouring it down his sleeve.

"The doves are hungry." He explains. 

We see something moving underneath his robes.

The children go downstairs leaving their parents alone.

Severus looks sad. 

"Don't worry," Hermione pats his arm. "None of our children are like you."

Severus brightens up a bit. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

They start making their way downstairs.

*

The moment Alex floos into their living room she wrinkles her pretty little nose in distaste. 

"This is… a muggle house." She says looking around.

Jane gets defensive. "Yes, but isn't it so much better than your grandparents Weasley's house?" 

Alex scowls and admits defeat by not replying.

"Professor Snape." She says turning to greet Hermione.

Hermione smiles politely while brushing the ashes from Alex's expensive coat.

"Now, Alex, you know I kept my maiden name." She tells her amicably.

Severus looks displeased.

Alex turns to him. "Professor Snape," she nods while maintaining her pose.

"Miss. Malfoy," Severus returns the greeting.

Nick interrupts the formal atmosphere by hugging Alex so tightly he lifts her off the ground.

"Alex!" He exclaims, then he quickly steps away from her, horrified. "My doves!"

Everyone gets so preoccupied with the doves no one notices the murderous look Michael gives his brother.

All hold their breaths until the reassuring 'coos' can be heard again.

"Michael," Severus motions sharply, "please take our guest's coat."

Michael frowns. "I'm pretty sure she can take it herse_"

Remembering her conversation with Nick and willing to make the most of this night, Alex lowers her head coquettishly.

"You render me uncomfortable sometimes, Michael, with your constant attentions," she says sweetly.

Michael looks so confused that he actually takes her coat   

Hermione looks so like Christmas has arrived early, Jane smirks, Nick whispers loving words to his doves and Severus looks happily surprised (yet in a contained manner).

Hermione steps forward and drapes her arm over Alex's shoulders. Alex looks uncomfortable with the sudden proximity.

"Alex, dear," she starts, "and how is your mother?"

Alex elegantly shrugs off Hermione's arm, "She is well. As is my father."

Hermione attempts to hide the scowl at the mention of Draco and changes the subject.

"And your grandparents?"

Alex gives a rare smile, "Bryan and I spent this afternoon with them. Grandfather went out with Bryan and Grandmother was teaching me how to manipulate others and to convey my displeasure with glares."

Severus smiles at the mention of such well spent quality time while Hermione looks displeased. 

"I meant your **other** grandparents, dear."

"Oh," Alex intones surprised though her face shows no such emotion, "you mean Nan and Grandad."

Hermione grins and nods.

"They insist we call them that, you know?" Alex adds quickly as if to justify herself.

Jane and Severus look at her with sympathy.

"They are… the same, I suppose. They're always very… cheerful." Alex says, puzzled at the notion.

"Well," Nick interrupts, "we still have some moments before the Potters arrive, Mike!, why don't you show Alex your bedroom?" He gives Michael what he thinks to be a discreet wink but everyone catches it.

Michael clearly attempts to keep himself in control, "I highly doubt that a Malfoy has yet to see a bedroom. There's nothing unusual about mine."

"I'd love to!" Alex exclaims, surprising all. Michael looks at her with a mix o hatred, disbelief and something else. 

"Well, don't just stand there! Let's see your room. I can't wait to see the place where you so wisely planned our debate." She takes his arm in hers.

"Ah, yes," Severus suddenly remembers, "I never got to ask, I've been so busy as of late, who won?"

"Dad!" Michael turns to him, attempting to disengage his arm from Alex's. "It's not about who wins or who loses! It's about promoting a healthy atmosphere where different ideas and points of view can be exchanged and confronted. It's about helping us develop our analytical mind and communications skills."

Severus nods at this, "Congratulations, Miss. Malfoy, your victory brings greatness to Slytherin House."

Michael scowls. 

This is going to be a long evening and the Potters have yet to arrive.

Next Update: So I lied, Lin and Alex are not at the same table in this one. Don't worry, they'll be in the next one.    

I promise I'll try to update sooner! 


	19. My Family 19

My Family 19

by: Isa

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or situations. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, My Family belongs to Bad Boy Productions, Blackadder belongs to BBC.

A.N.- I dedicate this chapter to neon silver.

Thanks to all my reviewers! And especially to my dearest friend SnapeJuice for beta-ing. For some weird reason I haven't been receiving any review alerts so I was really surprised when I checked the review page and saw all that!

CaramelSweetness66: If you notice at the top of each chapter, in the disclaimer I mention I use My Family, which is a very successful Britcom. Just clearing things up. All that doesn't belong to me is in the disclaimer.

*

"What do you think you're doing?" Michael asks venomously.

"I have no idea what you mean," Alex gracefully flips her hair out of her eyes.

"As much as I hate to admit it, stupidity is not one of your many, many flaws, Alex. So what's the Machiavellian plan behind this whole charade?" Michael asks, arms crossed over his chest, back turned to Alex.

No answer comes. He turns with an acidic retort in is mouth but there it dies.

Sitting on his bed was Alex naked from the waist up.

"Wha… what do you think you're doing?" He asks mouth gaping, eyes almost leaving its sockets.

Alex grins at the power in her hands. "What my Grandmother taught me to do. Whatever it takes to get what I want."

Michael quickly closes the door behind him, not without difficulty due to his trembling hands.

"Alexandra, put your clothes back on!" He whispers angrily.

She giggles like a Weasley. "Oh, so it's Alexandra now, is it? How husbandly." She seems very, but very amused.

Michael reaches for her clothes and forcefully tries to put them on her.

"Children, the Potters will arrive in 5 minutes!" Hermione sing-songs opening the door.

She stands there. Shocked.

Michael holding Alex's bra in one hand and a very naked Alex holding him in what seems like an embrace.

"Mum," Michael exclaims, "I can explain!"

"No, no!" Hermione wanders around the bedroom dizzily. "I'm a modern parent. You're both in an age… well better go downstairs, welcome Harry and Cho."

"You are a very understanding mother, Professor Snape," Alex says dressing herself.

"Professor Granger," Hermione mumbles stumbling out of the room and walking straight into a wall.

She shakily makes her way downstairs.

*downstairs*

Nick pulls rabbits out of top hat and Jane looks on boringly while Severus sits on the couch with his head on his hands.

Hermione grabs a package of cheese sticks and moves to offer one to him.

"Ah! Severus, dear, a cheese stick?" She offers the cheese sticks to a direction roughly 45º away from Severus. Then she trips and falls covering herself with them.

She quickly rightens herself. And in a wobbly manner makes her way to the couch.

Severus looks at her impassively. "Are you drunk?"

Hermione has had enough of it, "No you idiot! I'm blind!"

"Merlin's Beard!" Severus exclaims. "Does that mean we don't have anymore cheese sticks?"

"Severus!!" Hermione shrieks.

"Alright, alright. Is it like that other time? When you decided to take your muggle driver's license test?" Severus asks.

"Yes," Hermione answers brokenly.

"And did you manage to pass?" Nick asks.

"Yes, I did. That's why I re-did the exam eight times, Nick. Of course I didn't!" Hermione yells.

Severus looks pensive. "As far as I know this hysterical blindness of yours is only triggered by intense stress or trauma."

"Could we please not call it that?" Hermione pleads.

"What would you rather have us call it?" Jane asks.

"Temporary mistiness," Hermione answers.

"Yes, yes," Severus dismisses his wife's wordplays, "whatever you want to call it, the truth is it takes a severe trauma to trigger this response in you."

"Severus," Hermione can't contain herself, "we have a situation to deal with! It's Michael!"

Severus goes pale. Jane perks up. Nick is oblivious.

"He… he and Alexandra were having sex!" Hermione blurts.

Severus sighs.

Nick pays attention.

Jane checks her nails.

Severus sits next to his blind wife. "Hermione, if you had found drugs on his bedroom, we would have to deal with it. If we found a ransom note on his desk, we would have to deal with it, if you had found a picture of the Falmouth Falcons' Seeker naked… then you would have to deal with it. But Ms. Malfoy and Michael snogging is hardly a matter to worry ourselves about."

Hermione waved her arms dangerously, nearly hitting Severus in the process. "They weren't snogging! They were having sex!"

"Now, Mum," Nick intervenes, "I seriously doubt that, even though he's young, Mike wouldn't be able to be that quick."

"Well," Hermoine shouts, "they're still up there aren't they? What do you all think they're doing?"

"Honestly, Mum," Jane says, "no guy can perform after being interrupted by his mother!"

All look at her.

"Not that I would know or anything," she quickly adds.

"Well, we have to organize ourselves." Hermione energetically affirms.

"To what?" Severus asks.

"Well, there's no way I'm going to let Michael know how upset this has rendered me. Nor can I explain the situation to Cho or Lin." Hermione explains.

"Speaking of whom…" Jane says as the Potters floo into their living room.

"Hermione!" Harry exclaims happily while he hugs her. Hermione hangs to him blindly.

Fortunately, Cho moved and hugged her too. With Lin she wasn't as lucky.

"I'm so glad you came Lin!" Hermione excitedly exclaims to the empty fireplace.

Nick "discretely" repositions his mother towards Lin's position.

"Let's dine!" Hermione cheerfully says walking towards the front door. Severus takes a hold of her arm and takes her to the table.

Harry, Cho and Lin exchange worried looks while they settle around the table.

Michael and Alex choose that moment to come down.

Lin seems very happy to see them.

"Michael! Alex! I'm so happy to see you both!"

They both sit next to each other on the only available seats.

"Psst! Alex!" Lin whispers loudly while looking puzzled. "Your hair is tousled."

Alex grins. "Really?"

Stay online for the next chapter where: STUFF HAPPENS.


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